Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others. —Brene Brown
What are boundaries anyway? A boundary is an invisible limit, set intentionally, that keeps us emotionally safe when interacting with others. Boundaries are the separation between what is me and what is you, what is mine and what is yours. When interpersonal relationships have no boundaries, they become enmeshed: we feel the feelings of our partners and confuse them with our own; we take responsibility for another’s emotional responses and feel shame/guilt that we ‘caused’ those emotional responses; we feel a lack of safety in the relationship, which can lead to people pleasing, placating, and self-abandonment. Boundaries are necessary guardrails for interpersonal relating.
What do boundaries have to do with “the courage to love ourselves”? When we love and care for ourselves, our boundaries reflect that care. With functional boundaries, we can keep out those emotions and stories that are not ours. We can allow others their emotions without needing to take over, minimize, or talk them out of their feelings. Other people’s emotions aren’t so threatening when we can identify “this is how they feel, not how I feel.”
There are 2 types of interpersonal boundaries: protection (listening) and containment (speaking). Protection boundaries keep out the emotional energy of others, allowing us the psychic safety to witness another without being overwhelmed with their feeling reality. We use them when we listen to others—hence it is also called a ‘listening’ boundary. Containment boundaries keep us from spewing our toxic material unto others. They keep our emotional energy contained when we speak– it is also called a speaking boundary. Protection and containment boundaries comprise a boundary system.
Setting functional boundaries is how we can share feelings and thoughts respectfully. Our boundary system (or lack of one) is acquired through social emotional modeling in our families and early childhood social settings. When parents don’t have functional boundaries, their children will not acquire functional boundaries either.
Boundaries can have three positions: no boundaries, walls, or functional boundaries.
NO BOUNDARIES
NO PROTECTION BOUNDARY: I will take in all the emotional energy around me. I will feel blame and responsibility for the emotions of others, or shamed as their judgements/criticism/hostility floods my nervous system. I may relentlessly attempt to change what I have no power to change (the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of others). If someone is disappointed in me, I may be unable to discern that their disappointment flows from their expectation, instead taking their disappointment as my personal failing. I may often be flooded with intense emotion that isn’t mine, and then self-blame when I can’t shift it. Without protection boundaries, I am more easily manipulated into caretaking others.
NO CONTAINMENT BOUNDARY: I will say whatever comes to mind. l have no filter, so I will overshare with people who are untrustworthy, opening myself up to manipulation and control. I will talk over others and take up most of the psychic space at gatherings. I may interrupt, or be unable to hold myself in check. I say hurtful, judgmental, and critical things to others, justifying “well, at least I’m being honest”. I believe it is my right to tell others not only how I feel but how they should feel, what they should do, and how they should act. I am easily offended if someone doesn’t agree with me. I cannot keep a secret.
WALLS
PROTECTION WALLS: Nothing gets in. I can’t feel seen, or be visible. I will struggle mightily with intimacy. I wall out care, concern, and a sense of common humanity. Walls keep me protected from harm, but they also isolate me and keep me lonely. Walls create an island unto myself, where no one else can meet me. People feel perennially unsafe.
CONTAINMENT WALLS: I cannot be known to others. I do not share my feelings, thoughts or opinions. No one really knows me. I feel lonely because I can’t share what is important to me: my needs and wants. I can’t take steps to create more fulfilling relationships, because being known and being seen is too threatening.
FUNCTIONAL BOUNDARIES
FUNCTIONAL PROTECTION BOUNDARY: I can open myself up enough to register the emotions of others when they are safe for me. I can have no boundaries when relating intimately to a sexual partner who is loving and safe for me. I can close up this boundary tight—just like a wall—when the emotions of others are overwhelming. I can adjust my protection boundary depending upon the situation, allowing me the flexibility to stay in connection with others while also protecting myself.
FUNCTIONAL CONTAINMENT BOUNDARIES: I can share my feelings with others, modulating my emotional energy to fit the circumstance. I can speak respectfully, even when I disagree. I have integrity with my words, and I am accountable for what I say.
There is no “one and done’ with boundaries. The more we set them, the safer we feel when relating to loved ones. Intimacy means “I speak my truth, and I open myself up to accept your truth”. With functional boundaries, intimacy is possible. Without them, it is difficult to create and maintain fulfilling relationships.
Beginning Boundary Practice
Start with your protection boundary. Anytime you are moving from being alone to relating with others, practice setting a protection boundary. This boundary is set about an arm’s length from your body. Put your hand out as if to say “STOP”. This locates your boundary. Imagine that boundary is a screen that filters out the emotional noise, needs, and desires of others, allowing you to feel your own feelings and sensations without interference. This screen opens up when relating feels safe, and closes more tightly when relating feels unsafe. Continue to practice setting that boundary in your interpersonal relationships. See if you begin to feel safer in relationships.
*This model of interpersonal boundaries comes from Pia Mellody @ The Meadows Treatment Center, Wickenburg AZ