This is a liberation statement. If I create disappointments for myself, then I can stop, right? I can spend my time feeling grateful for the gifts in my life instead of resentful and bitter due to (unrealistic) expectations of others or myself.
We learn to have expectations of others based on how/with whom we grew as children. If we grew up with entitled, angry, or resentful caregivers, we learn that having expectations is what you are supposed to do when you are a grown up. Unfortunately, it is a poor way to get your social/emotional needs met. Think about it: I want you to do something for me. Instead of asking “is this reasonable to expect this of you?” or “Can you do this for me” I just assume my expectation is reasonable and become triggered—angry, resentful, bitter—when my expectation isn’t met.
We may have been taught that it is rude to discuss expectations, that others are supposed to “just know” what it is we expect—and to provide it without our asking. If others do not provide it, we feel victimized and resentful. These feelings may cause further emotional ruptures which mirror the disappointments we “caused” our caregivers.
Here are some emotional cues that tell you if you habitually have unrealistic expectations:
- You feel stressed and upset when things don’t go as planned or your routine deviates slightly.
- You find plenty to criticize in yourself and others.
- You fixate on small details and find it very important to get it perfect.
- When things go wrong, even in minor ways, you feel let down and frustrated.
- You have very specific visions and find it difficult to accept other possible outcomes.
- When others don’t fall in line with your plans, you feel irritated and resentful https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/unrealistic-expectations#checking-your-expectations
Disappointments flow directly from expectations. If we can examine our expectations of self/others and let go of the unreasonable expectations we acquired as children, we will feel more enjoyment and less resentment with our loved ones. Below are a few of the most common unreasonable expectations:
Needless/wantless: Children may learn to hide, distort, or annihilate their natural needs and wants, because it feels too emotionally risky to want or need; yet children cannot deny their very real needs for love and care. As adults we don’t learn to ask “is this reasonable” because we have an unconscious belief that we are not worthy of having our wants/needs met. This underlying unworthiness creates toxic shame that keeps us stuck in this unhelpful expectation, neither getting needs met nor feeling worthy enough to ask.
Black and White thinking: This expectation defines success as perfect, one hundred percent, and without fail: it parses experiences into “all good vs all bad”. The moment a blemish, or a deviation from the expectation shows up, we may reject the opportunity or feel disappointed in a minor imperfection. We reject that part of ourselves (or that choice) as a failure and then fall into the toxic shame pit.
I’m the Victim: The Victim is the most powerful position in the drama triangle because they can enact emotional retribution for perceived slights—punishing others when they don’t meet expectations. Most of the time we put ourselves in the victim position, usually by holding unrealistic expectations. If my unrealistic expectations of others continue despite my ongoing disappointments, then I set myself up—over and over. This is on me, not the person who is supposedly “disappointing” me. They may not even know they are disappointing me, because I did not let them know I had these expectations.
Take Care of Me: This is the expectation of caretaking by another during a rupture. It is indeed an unrealistic expectation: to expect a partner to take care of you when both of you are angry or hurt. No one should have to stop feeling what they’re feeling in order to take care of us. We are asking the other to self-abandon to prove they love us. This expectation triggers core attachment pain. The truth is that attachment pain is healed by self-love and self-compassion. Your unattached parts need to attach to you, not your partner. We have no right to expect another to self-abandon.
Realistic Expectations
Is there such a thing? Sometimes it is necessary to have expectations of others—for example when sharing a job, such as parenting, or collaborating on a work project. There is one rule about expectations: If expectations are necessary, they MUST be discussed directly with the person(s) involved.
“Is it reasonable to expect this of you?” We tell them what we are expecting. If they say “no”, then we can negotiate and come to a compromise, or accept their “no”. The disappointment we feel when someone can’t meet our expectation differs significantly from the disappointments we set up for ourselves by having unrealistic expectations of others. Though we may not like another’s “no” we don’t feel like a victim.
Most of our expectations of self and others are subconsciously driven. We internally launch trauma/abandonment themes when we expect from others what we needed from our primary caregivers and didn’t receive: kindness and compassion, love and care, understanding and assistance. Expectations are one of the vehicles through which we self-abandon; our unrealistic social expectations are bids for other-care instead of “self-care”.
Letting Go of Unrealistic Expectations
Sometimes we can notice in the moment an unrealistic expectation and just let it go. Most of the time though, it takes some effort. If you checked off most of the emotional cues earlier in this article, it would be helpful to try this exercise a few times a week. Every time we let go of expectations that are unrealistic, we have an opportunity for healing: it is an act of self-care.
Journaling exercises: Write down in a notebook any unrealistic expectations you uncover in your daily life, 1 expectation per page. Write in black ink. Ask yourself these questions about that expectation, writing these answers in another color.
- Where and with whom does this expectation show up? How often?
- What is the emotional outcome for me when this expectation isn’t met by the other?
- What is the emotional outcome for the other?
- Is there a reasonable expectation I can have in this situation?
- What do I need in order to let go of this expectation?
Positivity Bias Training: Doing this once-a-day trains your brain to“look for the good”.
- Every evening, write down 3 things that worked out well for you that day
When we are able to let go of unrealistic social/emotional expectations, we become present to the opportunities around us. Gratitude for the good things in our life is accessible when we are alive to the present moment.