We are born with the competing needs of attachment and authenticity. Attachment needs are primary—if attachment figures demand compliance (a happy child) –young children will learn to ignore their resistances and become compliant. This is not a choice on the child’s part. S/he can’t live without the attention and care of a parent. The parent communicates pleasure or rejection in thousands of ways that are out of conscious awareness. Parental rejection taught us to ignore, override, malign, and disparage ourselves when in resistance.
What happens when we do those things? Ignore, override, and malign ourselves and our resistances—do they go away? Carl Jung said “What you resist, persists…” The more vehemently we push our resistances away, the stronger they get. What unlocks resistance?
Children vary in their ability to accept and adapt to change; highly sensitive children need processing time in order to accept and adapt. They cannot jump into change. When the environment demands too much change too quickly, highly sensitive children become anxious and/or angry and may finally shut down as their need to process deeply goes unanswered.
As highly sensitive adults, we can learn to make peace with our resistance by becoming attuned and curious about those parts that resist change. We can engage those resisting parts with mindful curiosity: “Isn’t it interesting I am feeling so much resistance to this. I wonder what this is about …” Answers usually come via memories/feelings/sensations AKA the right brain, because resistance is a subconsciously driven phenomena. When we approach our subconscious with curiosity and compassion, resistance softens.
How can you tell if you have resistance? Resistance can send some of us into extended screen viewing or compulsive shopping. It can hide out in excessive self-shoulding (“I should lose weight, I should join a group, I should train my dog…”) or when chronically overbooked. Resistance can be a kind of entitlement “I shouldn’t have to do this…” or a response to authority “Oh yea? I’ll show you…” Resistance is usually fear driven: we resist because we fear change, we fear change because we can’t control it.
When we learn to give ourselves enough time and space to get curious about those resistances, they often transform into acceptance. It is a process we can learn right now: we can listen to our resistances without obeying them.
Listening to Resistance requires a little:
- Time
- Curiosity
- Kindness
- Courage
- Acceptance
Time: This is required in order to process deeply. Allowing those resisting parts enough time creates more safety within. What is not helpful is to lay down a time limit “I’ll give it 2 days and then it needs to be gone!”. That voice represents the inner critic. Let resistance have its own time.
Curiosity: Become curious instead of judging. “I wonder what that’s about…” is the internal attitude of curiosity: it’s an invitation to explore. Instead of “What is wrong with me?” try “Wow, isn’t it interesting I’m feeling so much resistance to _________”
Kindness: Pay attention to your inner chatter. If it is highly self-critical or self-rejecting—that is your inner critic. See if you can shift that inner chatter to a more neutral or playful place. If you have trouble accessing kindness for your resisting self, use EFT tapping (this website) to get rid of self judgement.
Courage: We need courage to adopt an attitude of “I’ll give it a try”. Tell your resisting parts that you have given new things a try many times in your life, and that it usually works out. See if they’re willing to try.
Acceptance: Acceptance is the opposite of control. When we can fully accept our resistances, they soften.
Resources
Watch Gabor Mate’s “Authenticity vs Attachment” video: