Social expectations are ramping up as the restrictions begin to loosen. As we go back to work, go back to busy-ness, go back to thinking and planning for the future; we may feel deeply ambivalent about the end of the pandemic.
Paradoxically, for some people this past year has been a time of palpable social safety. Introverts often thrive when they can be alone and recharge, as do highly sensitive people. Having long stretches of time without needing to “armor up” in order to socially interact has allowed for deep refection and self-acceptance. Getting back to what life was like before the pandemic may not be desirable. The intense outer focus on doing, planning, and the future took us away from the present moment.
Free floating anxiety and fear can accompany this social reentry. We may cope with this anxiety by resorting to old ways of thinking—all or nothing, black or white (B & W thinking). When we are caught by B & W thinking, we are looking at the challenges ahead with a young mind. That young mind over-amplifies fear and danger, and has difficulty accessing higher order thinking skills. We may feel hopeless and powerless to cope with the challenges of reentry, especially if we have framed reentry in black and white; “it felt so safe at home during the pandemic, I never had to worry about being invited to places. Now I’m going to have to go out and deal with people, that always make me anxious.”
Anxiety and helplessness is embedded in this self-story: “so safe” “never “have to” “always. That language creates a lens of ‘all good” vs. “all bad” that distorts perceptions, further reinforcing the internal narrative of powerlessness over the situation. This internal struggle (between all good and all bad) is a poor strategy for reducing anxiety; the more powerless we feel, the more anxious we feel.
Recognizing we are stuck in B & W thinking is an important first step—identifying the “story” around it (see above italicized) helps identify the cognitive distortion of B & W thinking. Typically, B & W thinking leads to an emotional “catch 22”: no matter which way we turn, we can’t see a way out. We become trapped in the distortion.
The solution for black and white thinking is the path between the poles. Finding the middle ground between “all good” vs. “all bad” is a healing opportunity; the nuanced lens gets us out of powerless child states. When we can find a middle path—neither black nor white—we have our adult mentation back online. We can create a path forward that isn’t a reverberation of our old wounds and childhood patterns.
Shifting black and white thinking
Here are 2 processes that discourage black and white thinking. Practicing these processes helps us find the middle path, one that is neither black nor white, all good or all bad, but somewhere in between.
- Mindful curiosity—self coaching:
- Give yourself a little compassion for this struggle “it’s hard to find the path forward. when it seems like such a struggle”
- Step back from B & W thinking, saying something to yourself like “this way of thinking isn’t leading to clarity, I need to back up and shift something”.
- Say out loud “Isn’t it interesting that I’m caught in black and white thinking. I wonder what this is about ………………………….…”
- Let go of searching for “the answer”
- Usually, an answer comes in a song, or a dream, or a snippet of conversation, a memory… it comes via the Right Emotional brain, not the Left Logical Brain.
- When you have an “answer” see how it applies to the situation and if you can find a middle path between the poles of B & W thinking.
- Good Enough: “Good enough” is the antidote to perfectionism. We practice “good enough” when we question our rigid judgements and soften our extreme positions. Perfectionism hides out in:
- Rumination: the internal audio loop that produces incriminating thoughts in an endless playlist, leading to states of depression or hopelessness. We practice good enough when we can talk back to the loop with “it’s over and done with, I did the best I could at the time, and I can move on.”
- Magical Thinking: the fantasy about what will happen when we finally ________ (lose that weight, get a degree, clean out the house, divorce a partner). Practice looking for the good that is currently present, instead of fantasizing about the perfect.
- Unrealistic Expectations: creating artificial pressures within, “If I’m not healed in 1 year, then this isn’t working” or expectations for the behaviors of others that they neither know about nor have agreed upon. Practice good enough by questioning the pressures you put on yourself or others, i.e. “I can learn to let go of pressuring myself and others.”
- General strategies for shifting habitual B & W thinking:
- Look for the positives in situations: if you notice a negative, help yourself find a positive
- Notice if you are demanding perfection of yourself or others; soften that demand while saying to yourself “most of us do the best we can in the moment”
- Pay attention to the language of extremes and when you use it: always/never, all, should, must, ought, have to—practice softening that language when you notice extremes
- Feel self-compassion for how hard it is to shift B&W thinking: when you uncover B&W thinking, congratulate yourself on your discovery instead of blaming yourself for your old habit.
- Celebrate your partial successes, about getting close enough to your goal, about doing most things “good enough”.