“There are only 3 kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours, and *God’s.”
–Byron Katie
Bestselling author and healer Byron Katie asks: “whose business are you in?”
Adults with trauma-based codependency struggle with the business of others. We believe we are responsible for the business of others, for making sure others do what they are ‘supposed’ to do. We can so thoroughly focus on the business of others that we become enmeshed while our own needs, feelings, and desires are abandoned.
We learned as children to focus exclusively on the feelings, thoughts, and desires of our caretakers in an attempt to keep ourselves safe. We learned to read and react to the slightest shift in their emotional temperature. We split off from our own feelings, because feelings made us focus inside instead of outside, and that made us vulnerable. Emotions were never to be shared nor shown. We learned that our needs and wants brought judgement and criticism. We became needless/wantless; shaming ourselves when we were vulnerable and distressed. The focus on the wants/needs of others throughout our childhood became subconscious: it is the sea we swim in.
The anxiety/fear/confusion/worry that flows from being in someone else’s business is overwhelming: “out of control with being in control” (Mellody 1989). I can only control my business, so the more I’m in your business, the more anxious I become. As long as I’m in your business, I will feel escalating anxiety/fear/confusion/worry. Meanwhile, back at your business, there is no one to care for your feelings, needs and desires. Self-abandonment is the result.
The only way to resolve being in someone’s else’s business is to get back into your own. Resolution happens when reality is restored: I am only responsible for my business.
If we are habitually in the business of others (while abandoning our own business), then we are walking around in heightened emotional states that are draining and unnecessary. We don’t have to take care of the business of others, no matter how much we care about them. We can let go of their business so we can get back into our own.
Getting Back to Your Business
Learning how to get back into your own business can take a little work. Mental/emotional patterns of perseverative “looping” or “catastrophizing” need more than just brief self-coaching. Below are several ways to break out of looping/catastrophizing states.
- EFT tapping. Tap the underlying feeling or the thoughts.
- Deep Pressure Touch. This will release chronic worry and anxiety.
- Shaking & Dancing Meditation. This will help you get into your “rest and digest”
- Guided imagery & mindful meditations.
- Intense exercise or moving to music.
- Repeating a mantra, such as the serenity prayer, every time you begin to loop or perseverate.
After reality is restored, pay attention to “whose business was I in?” If we are chronically anxious and worried, we are likely not in our own business. When we catch ourselves climbing into the business of others, the following brief exercise helps “Let Go and Let Good”.
Let Go and Let Good (AKA “Let Go and Let God”)
Do this exercise every time you find yourself in the business of others due to care or concern for their wellbeing.
- Hold the issue, problem, or person that you are worried/perseverating about in your mind
- Take 1 or 2 deep breaths, feel the worry about this person dropping down into your heart area
- Place your hand over your heart, open your chest and drop your shoulders
- Say to yourself “I wish you well”
- Take another deep breath and let it go…
Resources
Byron Katie: https://thework.com
Mellody, Pia; Miller, Andrea; Miller, Keith. Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our Lives. NYC, Harber Collins, 1989.
* God refers to Reality: those events humans do not control.