All children learn. They could not walk, talk, eat, or move without learning. It is a biological nature-driven imperative. However, the acquisition of social/emotional knowledge — of how relationships work, of their place in those relationships — depend largely upon nurture; the parental emotional response to childhood’s nonstop learning, changing, and growing.
When childhood curiosity and new learning is encouraged and taken seriously, children receive positive messages about themselves as a learner, learning is internalized as a positive state. It is intrinsically good and valuable; the child is good for being curious and wanting to know more. When children are emotionally held and attuned to when a wobbly new skill emerges, the contours of social/emotional learning as a positive state become deeply embedded. With every new round of social learning this embedded positivity is reinforced.
How we feel about ourselves as learners translates into how we feel about learning itself. We may not be able to tolerate the learning curve or allow ourselves to persist. The acquisition of new skills—learning– is largely determined by the receptivity and attunement our caregivers offered us in our earliest years when we were always learning.
Imagine a toddler learning to walk. She finally manages a few steps and gets to the end of the couch, looking at Mom full of expectant pride, with an excited squeal. Mom meets her gaze with her own trill, returning and amplifying her child’s excitement. “Look at YOU, look how far you have walked!” The joy in Mom’s voice holds and contains her child’s emotional excitement. The positive emotions and sensations become a template for positive feelings when learning new skills: “It will be good; I will be noticed. It feels good to learn”.
Self as successful learner can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. We acquire better social emotional skills by practicing them. If a child feels successful when learning, she can tolerate making mistakes, the inevitable “successive approximations” new learning entails. She can tolerate not knowing. Learning becomes intrinsically rewarding in a self-generating way. If a child becomes ‘good’ when learning, then she will seek out more opportunities to learn. She won’t be fearful of new opportunities or terrified of not being perfect. She can allow herself a learning curve.
When children are shamed because they aren’t perfect, constantly criticized when practicing an activity, or ridiculed for their curiosity they may chronically steer away from new learning opportunities. This risk aversion can be exceptionally risky to social/emotional health, as children must learn.
If learning feels shaming or dangerous, children may externally avoid (class clown?) or internally shut down when faced with new learning opportunities. They may exhibit learned helplessness: “why try!” They may become prone to avoidant behaviors, unable to allow themselves a learning curve, unable to allow themselves to ‘not know’.
This can show up in adults as fear/resistance to change. Perfectionism—the internalized belief that perfection is the goal and anything less is shameful—is a delusion about learning. Perfection won’t allow the freedom to make mistakes and to learn from them. Internal emotional sabotage of new learning pollutes opportunities for change and growth.
Learning is fundamental to healing: emotionalresistance to learning impedes healing.
Daily Practice:
- Notice how you react to the everyday challenges of new learning. Throughout the day, track your feelings around new challenges, and whether or not those feelings change over time.
- If you feel resistance to challenges, notice what you do then—resist even more? Pressure yourself? Push yourself? Forget or avoid about the challenge itself?
- Notice what you are telling yourself about the challenge or about yourself—notice the story.
- Change the story if its negative, punitive, or hostile. Create a story that is more truthful, or more compassionate, or more nuanced.
- Write that brief story down and post it somewhere so you can repeat it when you are discouraged or you are repeating the old story.
Example #1:
Old story: “What is my problem, why can’t I get this done! I’m so lazy and disorganized. I can never do anything right!”
New story: “Hmmm I wonder why I’m putting off this job. Today I will just do a little bit, and see if it feels easier”
The old story is blaming, shaming, and accusatory—it will squash motivation. The new story is more supportive and compassionate—working to find a solution that feels better while accepting the fact of what is happing.
Example #2:
Old Story: “I’m never going get this right, I can’t believe I thought this was a good idea. I’m so stupid”
New Story: “I’m feeling frustrated right now, it’s taking time to learn this. I can take a break and come back to it, or I can ask for help”
The old story is catastrophizing and self-blaming and ends with an inner critic attack (name-calling). The new story is emotionally attuned (feeling frustrated) and ends with supportive solutions that can help with the feeling.