… our evolutionary ancestors would venture out and wonder: is it safe? We may feel it now, the equal pull of wanting two opposing things: to venture out and to remain. This sets up its own kind of tightrope, while our frightened child inside looks out and wants to know: “Is it safe now?”
For those who have felt comfortable at home, this time might be fraught for you. The safety of the shutdown brought opportunities for healing and being fully present. For those who have lived with loved ones, it likely was both wonderful and challenging, to spend so much time together. The reentry brings up high anxiety. How to manage this time in ways that heal instead of hurt?
The re-entry calls out for a new skill: Mindful Self Compassion or MSC.
We are all going through a difficult time right now, and we need compassion more than ever. But why Mindful Self-Compassion? What is that?
Often when people hear “self-compassion” they think it is self-pity, or self-indulgence, or another way of building self-esteem. Please read Neff’s short discussion here of the differences between those states and self-compassion.
Self-compassion is self-love in action: “we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.” Becoming kinder to ourselves when life is rough just makes sense: why add to our burdens if they feel too much already? But how can we do this: stop the internal judgement or shame and become compassionate with ourselves?
Neff identifies 3 elements of MSC: (note that these steps are a private internal experience)
Self-compassion vs. Self judgement: The first step in her 5 minutes ‘self-compassion break’ meditation is ‘turning toward the suffering’ or ‘acknowledging the difficulty’. This turning toward instead of away from is fundamental to solving any problem because avoidance is, well, avoided! Kind self-talk such as “this is hard now” or “I’m struggling” names and acknowledges the difficulty.
Common humanity vs Isolation: The 2nd step reminds us that suffering is universal, it is a part of life we can’t escape. There is no shame in suffering, because it is a shared human experience. This step is taken by reminding ourselves “it’s normal to feel this way” or that “suffering is a part of life”. Neff says we are “reminding ourselves of our common humanity.”
Mindfulness vs Over identification: The 3rd step offers care to the self, offering comforting self-talk like “may I be kind to myself in this moment’. Neff invites us to put palms over heart and palms over heart and allow ourselves to be present for whatever sensations or feelings we have without judgement.
Daily Practice: Listen to the 5-minute self-compassion break every day for a week. Try to practice self-compassion when you feel confused or scared of re-entry. Use it when you feel frustrated or frightened at the pandemonium in the pandemic.
Resources
© Christopher Germer & Kristin Neff. Mindful Self-Compassion. June 2017. All rights reserved.
- 10 Self-Compassion Practices for COVID-19
- Self-Compassion Meditations
- Self-Compassion Break 1-page handout
- Self-Compassion in Daily Life 1-page handout