Resilience is the bend of a flexible being, one able to withstand storms from without. Persistence, grit, determination, adaptability and acceptance of change: all part of resilience. When you peer into the heart of resilience, however, you find relationship to self is the central determiner: those who can show up for themselves with self-care, self-compassion, and self-regard usually have resilience. People who have resilience do not beat themselves up when things go wrong. If a need for accountability arises, self-compassion allows for skillful action. To be able to say, “I’m sorry” or “I think I may have messed this up” without terror or shame; allowing ourselves to be human and to be wrong.
THE PATH TO RESILIENCE BEGINS BY BEFRIENDING THE SELF
Resilience is, at its core, the practice of not making things worse when life doesn’t go our way.
Guidelines for befriending OURSELVES when deeply challenged by life:
- Identify “your lane’. Your lane is your reality: your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, perceptions, wishes, dreams etc.
- You are responsible for your lane. Your emotions are yours (we can pretend someone ‘made’ us feel something, but no one can make you feeling anything without your permission).
- You are NOT responsible for what is NOT in your lane. If you cannot have any effect on something, it isn’t in your lane.
- Other people have a lane too, and it contains their reality: thoughts, feelings, behaviors, beliefs, judgements, behaviors etc…
- Show up for yourself emotionally when things fall apart/don’t go your way—
- Tune into yourself emotionally (do this when alone) and ask yourself ‘how am I feeling right now?’
- If you are hijacked physiologically by intense emotion that seems to carry you away—then the emotion is bigger than you, i.e., you are in the emotion, the emotion isn’t in you.
- If it’s bigger than you, use EFT Tapping.
- If its smaller than you, use another strategy like self compassion (www.selfcompassion.org) or journaling.
- Ask yourself “is there anything I need to DO about this?” Often the answer is ‘nothing’. If there is something you need to do, take your time. Sleep on it. You may change your mind.
- Pay attention to shame: the black hole, internal collapse, falling into nothingness, swirling confusion, absolute shutdown. Use your strategies (tapping, writing letters you don’t send) when shame descends.
- When we heal enough of the shame, setbacks become our best teachers. THAT IS RESILIENCE.
DAILY PRACTICE
Become more aware of your self-talk. If it is full of ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts) find a kinder way of talking to yourself. See: https://www.amenclinics.com/blog/number-one-habit-develop-order-feel-positive/