The Power of No

by | May 14, 2020 | Newsletter

The Power of No

It is one of the first words we learn to speak in our language—we say NO before “yes”. The impulse to resist is strong, to put out our hand, palm outward: STOP! Toddlers overuse NO because it is so powerful. NO commands attention.

Yet NO is more than a word– it is a boundary: it separates me from “not me”. Take a moment to feel that—the social/emotional boundary between you and others. For some of us, that boundary is porous, the wants and needs of others drown out our own needs for solitude, or silence, or to occasionally be taken care of. If someone needs something, we must not disappoint nor anger them by our NO. We may contort ourselves into strange social/emotional positions, just so we don’t have to set that boundary.

HOW DID NO GET SUCH A BAD REP?

NO is a kind of power: the power of refusal. When a 2-year old’s NO is punished, when protesting mistreatment leads to worse mistreatment, the toddler “…. responds by relinquishing the fight response, deleting “NO” from her vocabulary and never developing the language skills of healthy assertiveness”, (Walker 2014). Healthy assertiveness is about wielding the power of choice over one’s experience. NO is the guardrail on your lane.

How Do I Learn NO? *

I: successive approximation—never say “yes” (adult to adult interaction)

  • When anyone asks ANYTHING of you
  • Say “Oh… I’m not sure if I can. Let me check and get back to you…”
  • Think/feel through if you want to say yes or no
  • Wait 24 hours to get back to them
  • Text them back your regrets: “Wish I could” or “thanks for asking, I just can’t at this time”
  • It is not cowardice to communicate your regrets by text. It is the norm.

II: imaginative refusal: This works if you feel fear (in your body) when you imagine saying “NO”

  • Think of a recent example when you said “yes” instead of “NO” (you wanted to say NO)
  • Replay the scene in your mind, but this time imagine yourself saying NO
  • Notice the anxiety, tension, or confusion/resistance in your body/mind arising
  • Use EFT tapping to reduce the distress of any emotion that arises
  • Repeat the steps until the NO you say in your mind is no longer creating resistance or fear
  • Use this with the people and situations in your life where you need a stronger boundary
  • This practice is a private’ experience, you are imagining yourself interacting.

These are 2 good ways to practice the social/emotional skills of healthy assertiveness. This is a skill; allow yourself to practice without expecting perfection. Any overwhelming emotion that comes up as you practice should be met using EFT tapping. A strong emotion when you practice saying NO means that saying NO was fraught for you as a child, therefore affirm out loud throughout your day, “I have a right to say NO to any request”.

If you are used to saying ‘yes’ to your loved ones, they may not feel overjoyed when you reclaim your NO. The good news: all of us need to learn how to handle NO. Modeling NO for your children teaches them important lessons about boundaries and expectations. No one has to be thrilled about your NO, they just have to accept it. If NO is forbidden; toxic resentments are the result. It is worth the effort!

* Practice new social/emotional skills with people and situations that are safe: ”work the edges”.
Walker, Pete (2014) Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Azure Coyote Books

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